Meaningful relationships are at the core of living well. We can live longer and happier lives when we have people around us we trust and love, and who share kindness in return. But relationships are rarely simple. Even with the best intentions, misunderstandings happen because each of us carries our own histories, needs, and emotions beneath the surface. What we see—someone’s words or actions—is only a small part of the picture.

However, when we take time to look deeper and ask what might be happening underneath, we begin to understand others’ feelings and motivations with greater empathy. These meaningful relationships are possible when we open our hearts to people’s experiences.

In my upcoming book, Living with the HEART in Mind, I explore the challenges and opportunities of empathic connections and what happens when we increase empathy towards others. Here’s a snippet:

“My friend Sue was moving with her family to another state. We had worked together on a project a couple of years earlier, and had become close, so I was expecting that she would reach out to say goodbye. The day of her departure came and went, and she left without a text or an email. I mostly knew about her progress through social media. For a few days after she moved, I felt mad and betrayed. Why hadn’t she reached out to me to say goodbye? Did our friendship mean so little to her that she didn’t bother saying adiós? Had I done something wrong or was the friendship all one-sided?

At that time, I happened to attend a workshop hosted by Six Seconds colleagues. One of the tools we used, which you will learn to use in this chapter, is the Empathy Iceberg. Through this exercise, you reflect on a difficult situation, first identifying your feelings, and later, naming the emotions you thought the other person was feeling. When I did this exercise, I realized that Sue had probably dealt with so many feelings–leaving a place she had called home for more than 15 years, going somewhere new with a teenager who was probably unhappy to leave her friends and facing the uncertainty of moving to a new place. As I thought about the situation from her perspective, I could see how difficult it had probably been for her. I felt my anger transform into sadness and also gratitude for the time we had spent together. That evening, I sent her a sincere note wishing her the best in her new adventure. 

Applying empathy takes practice and effort, particularly when we consider individuals who have hurt us. Empathy and compassion are guides for how we want to show up in this world: when we nurture anger and resentment in our relationships, we get stuck in that anger and resentment. However, when we foster empathy, we are not only being a compassionate model in our relationships, but we are also healing ourselves by letting go of painful emotions.”

As you reflect on this story, I invite you to consider where empathy might be needed in your life right now. What would happen if you worked to see someone else’s perspective? Or to apply empathy towards yourself? What opportunities for deeper understanding and connection might show up? Even if you are finding it difficult to understand people’s feelings at this time, know that it is possible to increase empathy with intentional practice.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez